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September 6, 2015

MISSING YOU

Today is the most productive and optimistic I have felt since Gretchen Sackett died July 16th.

I have tried to help others through THE ART OF ACTIVE NETWORKING and to continue doing my events to keep my word to my network. With the immense help of Elisa Lindenmayer and Aimee Louise Ay to keep our companies running especially here at The Box SF, Stage 24 Productions and Reflectur

In the last month I have had to evict our commercial tenant who was not paying, hire two new people, navigate attorneys, bill collectors, crematorium, judgements, our house and what to do with it, and allow my creativity to come forth like never before in my life! I don't know where it comes from but I have always been this way.

Perhaps I am afraid to stop, to let go, to fully grieve? Or perhaps this is my grieving crying, creating and continuing on the best I can. Either way it just is, and I allow it to happen and live hour to hour to get through the living hell this is. And then I stop and this immense regret and feeling of selfishness overwhelms me, as if I have any right to complain, after all, I am still here and there must be a reason why she is gone and I am not.

So in her honor, I decided to expand THE BOX SF with very little money and am making a big bet that we can make it thrive with this unique expansion of into not only a cool historic events venue but to transform it into a total meeting and events center and each suite will be names for one of Gretchen's cats and filled with all the beautiful antique we collected over 38 years together.

I have put my book, film and other ideas on hold and work 16 or so hours a day to make Gretchen proud and to find the best possible ideas and paths to take care of her siblings. This is what she would want and I am determined to find a way in time to do this, I don't yet see how but it's coming.

As I embark on my 58th birthday week I find myself missing all that Gretchen did for me, for us and for our staff. I know how hard she worked each day and how hard she loved others. Gretchen gave when she had nothing left to give, she always found a way and I am learning in many small ways that she was much sicker than she may have let on for months before the Cancer diagnosis. Every year she made me a Mocha Fudge Cake my all time favorite dessert for my birthday from The Prospect of Westport in Kansas City. This year I will not have that, and while I probably don't need it, it does make me extra sad as it is yet another of the thousands of things about Gretchen that are now memories that are fading for me.

I am so blessed to have had 38 years and my entire career with a partner who understood unconditional love, unconditional giving and who absolutely defined giving, support and foundation! She taught me how to give, she taught me trust, she taught me love and she showed me the importance of ethics, standards and standing up for others. And that's how we have run our companies and how I will continue to operate.

Tonight I made the mistake of stopping for a moment to rest and restore. Then this post came to me. Thank you Gretchen for the moments you send me. I'm trying so hard each day to stay centered and remember! Thank you with all my love.
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