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February 23, 2015

PROCESSING MY LIFE!

NEEDING TO SHOW SOME EXTRA GRATITUDE TONIGHT AFTER 4 DAYS IN LA!

Feeling extraordinarily grateful for my life right now. I am always my worst critic, I often feel as if I am lazy, lost, and in a bizarre transition in my creative life that is just not going to resolve itself, I have been struggling with this now for over 5 damn years. Today here in Los Angeles I got a good dose of clarity and am so grateful for what has happened here in the last 72 hours. 

For the first time in my life I have wondered what I want to focus on next, my health is such a distraction and makes me so depressed at times that it is maddening. I've always been too hard on my self and not gentle enough with me. Before I was 30 I had so many goals for myself and each year would set new ones. When I hit 30 I had far exceeded all of them. Big, big goals, winning awards for my creativity, being published internationally, speaking in front of 1000's of people at once, getting over my fears of singing and performing in front of people, building a creative business that was successful by all measures we use, and on and on! 

I stopped setting goals at 30...I just raced forward building, creating and making my ideas. I tried very hard to not look back, and that's really hard for me.

Now in the last 15 years I have had 16 surgeries, chased numerous health problems that remain unresolved, I have met President's, movie and music stars, and sat under a highway while taking dinner to a homeless couple and got to know them. I've walked red carpets, attended events and visited places most can only dream of and we have won nearly 1700 awards for our creative work, I've produced movies, music, events, conferences and met the coolest people anyone could be blessed to know. I have met thousands of amazing, giving, powerful players who have ideas that are changing the world each and everyday. I have tasted amazing things, sipped amazing things, listened to and looked at art that is so incredible. My non-profits that I have been blessed to serve for decades now have changed the lives of thousands. I have held the hand of my Grandfather at the moment his heart stopped beating and snuggled my dear kitty Buddy as he too took his last breath. Our creative work has impacted in positive ways and raised millions of dollars for our clients and my core team is still with me after over 20 years. My ex-wife Gretchen is still my business partner after 36 years of knowing one and other. And while that's all cool, it really means nothing in so many ways. It's what life is!

I think of all my friends, family members and creative partners who died along the way. I think of my friends I have lost to AIDS, Cancer's and accidents. I think of the negative people I have had to eliminate from my life and and the positive and good people who have become my closest friends. I think of my 4 amazing Grandparents and my Aunts, Uncles and teachers who loved and guided me unconditionally.

Finally,  I think of the individual conversations I have daily with people who are grateful for words, actions or ideas I have shared with them to help them do better. It is those conversations that guide me, they are the ones that make me want to re-think what I want next, how I want to impact those around me in a positive way and new ways to impact the world with these many ideas in my head that can have massive impact on the world. And I am even grateful for the most horrible and negative people I have met, because they help to set a standard and a powerful example to avoid.

I am writing this right now because I had a conversation with someone today who wanted to give up. I said to them you can't give up because there is too much in you yet that we don't know, and if you don't share it, the world loses out." I then told them how much I struggle, how I hide it really well but how it is there 24/7. I mentioned how hard it is at times and how much more we both need to do, because there are so many more out there who have less resources than we do and who need us to keep floating. We all have to recognize, share and celebrate our gifts without apology.

I often say, "We all struggle, every single one of us struggle with something. But if we did not struggle a little every day, we could never appreciate the smooth ride ahead when the struggle diminishes." 

Just don't suffer in silence, because when we stop sharing it gets a lot more quiet, a little bit darker and getting back to level seems insurmountable. And it NEVER is!

So tonight in another hotel in another city I am ok with who I am, where I am and cool with whatever the journey ahead brings. But I won't be giving up anytime soon!

I DON'T WANT YOU TO EITHER!
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