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May 5, 2008

YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD BAD DATES? THINK AGAIN!

OK folks yes I am single. No I do not have any warts, a hump or otherwise really gross things hanging off me. I floss, brush and clean up pretty well I'm told but alas being single and dating is no fun at times. So a friend of mine and I were talking about our worst dates, I became inspired to recount the worst ones in writing. Sort of a therapy I think. Before you begin open a bottle of wine, sit back and settle in for a laugh. One Disclaimer…The dates you are about to read are 100% true I swear. And while all this should be read with a smile on your face, please don’t email me to tell me that I must make some really bad choices or that I’m basically an idiot. I am strong, articulate and kind. If I have one fault it is that when this crap starts, I for whatever reason endure and do my best to make the best out of it and end it quickly. I try not to be rude or mean but do make myself clear and end it as quickly as possible while still being kind. And, have I had good ones? Yes...you know who you are and THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea.

So here goes!

A friend of mine sent me an email about his bad dates. He had not however heard mine. After laughing my ass off from the email he sent me I replied. Mine as it turns out were even worse.

So a little about me, I am a designer, producer, and director and own an advertising and entertainment marketing agency in San Francisco and Los Angeles along with a Film Studio and a Record Label. I want to make a film of just my and his dating life in LA, NY and SF.....but I know there are painfully many more guys in the same boat. Now as it turns out Women too...the only word I can seem to muster is a good Midwest word that sums it up. "YIKES"

So here is a factor as well, everyone judges you on age first and weight second... the worst part? I'm 50...look much younger I’m told and I know I'm not the best-looking guy or the worst looking guy on the internet. (See my pics) But the standards here are so funny and odd everyone wants absolute perfection and while that would be nice for me as well, I am willing and smart enough to accept that people have some faults. So I have come to this conclusion: I'm giving up I think, considering becoming a monk and starting an abbey in Belgium to brew Belgium Ale I love that kind of beer....Any guys wanna come I’m thinking we need more Monks for the bottling room and the group tasting of our latest creations?

My dating stories only begin with these, and yes all of these are 100 percent true as I mentioned in my disclaimer, with absolutely zero enhancement, unlike some of my dates.

Ready?

First off, meet the chain smoker that swears she is not a smoker on the phone but is and who brought her chain-smoking friend on the date with her...despite the fact we were clear. NO SMOKERS. After 5 cigs in 15 minutes....I can't believe I stayed that long, I paid the bill and excused myself....Her comment? "I know you detest smoking but I'm cute so this can't be a deal breaker right?"

I loved the mother of 2 Count em 2- 4 year old twins who thought crystal meth was a diet plan to be implemented every 5th week to keep her ass tiny and her energy up! As she was leaving my home because she wanted to leave her car at my place before dinner and after she wanted to do crystal meth with me and after I told her to GO AWAY, Her comment? "You're gonna call me right?"

Then there was the woman who had lip implant surgery five hours before our date and brought the Russian speaking "friend" to hit on me in case she did not like me. She mumbled for the first hour and I finally excused myself after buying the drinks and trying to understand date A's mumbling through her swollen lips and her friends very broken attempts at English. The Surgery was bad enough but she also lied and put up a 15-year-old picture....Can I have a HELLO? Oh and the topper....she was Russian and asked, rather mumbled, about my dating history and if I had, or would, ever date a Black Woman....I replied that I had dated a number of Black Women and had no problem dating someone of any race. She replied that she could "Never date a Black person" I said that sounded like a bigot to me....she said "NO, I just don't like Black people!" Oh good Lord!

Gotta love the psychopath who told me she wanted to have sex with me 5 minutes after meeting but that "tonight" we were not going to because of AIDS and the risk of contraction during 'first date sex' was a higher risk of AIDS than 'second date sex'. Like the second date somehow washes away all possibilities of potential STD's. She then spent the next half hour hitting on me to no avail. Don't you love a Woman who can't walk in heels?

Then there was the stunning, articulate and actually beautiful....stay with me for a moment please...I said beautiful guys and girls....Eurasian woman who turned out to be a woman from the waist up but not from the waist down. Hey I am smart, observant and as aware as they come....trust me you would NOT have known either. Yes look at the hands or the adams apple....sorry no signs. Seems to me maybe that is something you should just mention when you send your pictures don't you? Don't ask how I found out...And no I did not freak out, get violent or any of that. It's not in my nature, I simply suggested that "she" be a little more honest and open next time and no one ends up "surprised".

There was also the Woman who repeatedly grilled me on the answers to my online profile when I was on Match.com repeatedly asking me the same questions to see if eventually, I would lie as she said all men were compulsive liars and eventually she was certain I might devise a different answer if asked in different ways enough times. She nearly tripped my up once but I passed with flying colors. She then confessed she was married. Apparently lying was a normal occurrence in her daily home life...and she while cautious did not seem to think it should apply to her.

This oddball was a in her 40’s writer who lived in “Tiburon” well off she kept saying and very ‘together’. Turned out she lived in Tiburon all right. In the basement of a rich guys house who she was doing ‘work’ for. Turns out most of her money went to weed and she simply wanted to make me something to eat and or smoke weed till’ she could not stand up. Clearly one of us had the munchies…. she then got up and begins chatting with someone on the Internet as I sat there watching her get stoned. Finally after about…5 minutes that seemed like an hour….it was time to leave. At which point she wanted to go outside and look at stars. I was thankful for the cool fresh air and used that as my opportunity to exit.

Oh and now the great date that went really well. Really well... we went back to my home to have a glass of wine as she expressed interest in wanting to learn more about wine while at dinner. As she actually started to undress suddenly. While out of the blue she began disrobing she mentioned that she was excited to be with me and even though this was unusual for her to be attracted so quickly to a ‘date’, that in this case she was going to make an exception and only charge me her "regular" rate of 150 dollars an hour. Yes, she was a high-class hooker....go figure. My response without hesitation was. "You owe me 100 dollars then" She said "why?" with total surprise on her face....my reply. "Because I charge 350 an hour, but if you are willing to make the exception I'll meet you half way as well, after all professional courtesy should work both ways right?...LOL. Needless to say she quickly dressed and left. Do you think my price was maybe too high? Can you imagine? Thank God I am quick and creative. Hmmmmmm...no I am not the type to charge. Hell I am lucky just to meet anyone at this point.

I mentioned the 2 different alcoholics that were supposedly sober but who drank themselves silly because I made them feel so comfortable and at ease right? Oh perhaps not.

Or perhaps the beautiful photos that were sent time and again that turned out to be of friends or grabbed off the internet but that could not have been the date I was with even using the most severe stretch of the imagination possible.

I will also admit to being a bit more sensitive than normal as well given that the date I had most recently went like this:

Saw her, she was maybe 100 pounds more than her 10-year-old picture. Not a good start. When she got in my car I shook her hand lightly and she winced with pain. I said I was sorry and she said "Oh it's not you....I broke my little finger late last week in a bar fight when a fuckhead tried to use my pool cue!" Not even sure if 'Fuckhead' is a real word but she used 'Fuck' like most use a comma. Trying to be a nice guy and sensitive, I went for a drink. She cussed like a sailor and could easily take me were I to piss her off.

Needless to say, here I am.

Those were some of my better dates....Yes I have more...so...very.....very……..many…..........more.

And you know what? I am not kidding or even making these stories bigger than life.

I've posted here before...6'3", 265, cool, clean, smart and single. Ok questionable on how smart I might be right now or so it now appears eh?

I'll admit, I'm nothing amazing like a male model, and I'm and nothing really horrific either. I have all my teeth, I'm very well employed in a business I own and I floss daily so that's not so bad...right? ...RIGHT? I live in two cities SF and LA, love travel awesome food and wine friends and tennis.

And kudos and a big..."So sorry man" to my buddy....as I said, I feel ya man! We all unfortunately feel your pain, sooner or later and sometimes often!

Addendum:

Was asked out by a Woman um Girl it turns out. She was beautiful and 24. Turns out I was older than her Mom. Needless to say we had little to talk about. But the funny thing was she liked me because of my age, but she hated the fact that I live in two cities because she wanted to meet a guy who would be home every night and sit on the couch with a pizza and watch TV with her. She was a school teacher and liked to be asleep by 9pm. Not really my lifestyle.

I went to Miami on business and met a Woman who wanted to 'fix me up'. Those of you who know me know I don't like to be 'fixed up'...turns out she wanted to fix me up with her 22 year old daughter and said I could crash in her daughters old room at her home if I needed a place to stay while in Miami and out with her Daughter! Wierd.

Met a Woman at restaurant was weighed over 400 pounds. she thought I was hot and wanted to go out. She did not see herslf as even a tad bit heavy and was very proud about her 'size'. Hell I'm overweight and I battle it! But that's not even healthy. I have no judgement but it was not a good fit. (and I'm sorry, was technically not a date.) Oops!

Went out with one Woman who started the date by asking if we went on a second date where was I planning to take her, and then if we went on a third where would we go and a fourth and so on...It wore me out but gave me the perfect opportunity to make shit up!

The boot camp personal trainer, alcoholic who got drunk on the date starting with half glasses of white wine mixed with soda then invited friends to join us on our date for dinner, after her fith half glass of wine, whistled in the restaurant to summon the waiter...this was a really nice place by the way, at this point one of her girlfriends took her outside for some air and he boyfriend confessed that she was on the wagon so to speak and did not drink. I asked why they waited for 5 half glasses to say anything...they said they did not realize how drunk she was getting. We left and because she had a new car she wanted to drive it on the date so when I picked her up earlier in the evening we switched to her car. So needless to say i was the one driving her car home and we needed to stop for gas. well while out pumping the gas into her new car, she woke up in her front passenger seat freaked out wanting to know who I was and why I was driving her car!
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